Not too long ago, I spoke about not being my own protector. I am projecting onto others the responsibility for catering to my unmet needs. This is how I figured it out:
For the last few months, I have been learning about the stock market. As such, to keep on top of things I need to get back to the pc, watch the news and overall get ready with a comfortable amount of time to spare before the market opens. I had been doing this for a few weeks at this point, and one day Aria and I were going for a pleasant walk around the neighbourhood just after midday.
I wanted to get home to check my stocks. Aria was worried that we were going to be late, but I actually laughed and said “That’s okay, let’s go to the forest”. Now you may imagine that this sounds perfectly okay, and I am just being nice to her, and that’s what I have often believed, but in that moment I finally realised something:
Instead of catering to my unmet needs, I dismissed them in favour of what I imagined hers would be. She was even more concerned with my needs being met than I was. I trample my own needs because I don’t see them as important. I don’t see myself as important. When she inevitably doesn’t match up to my ridiculously high standards of her, I feel like she has wronged me. I feel like a victim.
Because I cause myself to become a victim, someone inevitably becomes a villain: Aria.
Aria didn’t do anything wrong, and yet if the situation had played out differently, I would have projected my anger onto her. This would have been highly gaslighting, as what she perceived would have been denied by me. I would have blamed her for something she did not do.
This means that in the situation where someone is angry, they are the one at fault. Nobody is responsible for my needs being met other than me. If I have a negative emotional reaction to what someone else does or does not do, it is my responsibility to work through those emotions. It is not their responsibility to change their behaviour for me.
It’d be one thing if I was the only one doing this. Unfortunately…I am not the only one.
I have been personally attacked by people in our discord because they were not taking responsibility for their own unmet needs. In one situation, I was asked to alter my language because the other person had a strong fear of authority. They put the responsibility of making sure they felt safe on me. When I didn’t match up to their requirements, they attacked me. I felt gaslit as I did not do anything wrong, yet I was receiving blame regardless.
In a second situation, one person wanted another gender to cater to their unmet needs. They felt worthless, yet they were bitter and hateful to the opposite gender because their needs weren’t being met. If they took responsibility and looked inward, they would work to improve their social standing and become more desirable.
In a third situation, two people were attacking each other over opposing world views. If either person had put the responsibility for their needs being met on themselves, the world views of another person on the Internet would not threaten them.
In a final situation, one person felt unsafe when people spoke about certain topics. This person wanted us to censor that type of conversation or remove that sort of person from our server. If this person would have taken responsibility for their needs being met, they would have felt secure in themselves regardless of the conversation which was not directed at them. This is because they would make sure they felt safe, instead of asking an authority figure to do so.
I have noticed a strong link between many different groups of people. These include but are not confined to: extremist political views of both spectrums, incels, cancel culture, extremist feminism, different nationalities and different age groups. They all want others to change to meet their needs.
Why do people project their unmet needs onto others?
They feel utterly powerless on their own.
Believing that you deserve what benefits you is not inherently a bad thing. A key reason a lot of people cannot create the life they desire is that they have been raised to believe they do not deserve to be happy, to live the way they want to live. However, relying on other people to provide you the things that benefit you is rooted in the belief that you are powerless to provide them on your own.
If they are powerless, they push the responsibility for their needs to be met onto others. When their needs are inevitably not entirely fulfilled, they feel like a victim. When they are a victim, someone has to become a villain. Often, it is empowering to destroy a villain, and as such, many largely innocent people have been torn to shreds. This is the anatomy of entitlement.