I want to preface this by saying that this is entirely my fault.
Let me summarise the events that led up to my realisation that I don’t trust myself. Yesterday as of writing, I had an argument with Aria about the site. I felt like I had no creative freedom as I felt like she was controlling me. Although this was the catalyst, I actually felt like Aria was controlling the entire Homecave project and did not allow me creative freedom. I felt that her vision was the only vision being allowed in the project, whilst mine was being ignored.
Although the most obvious emotion I felt in the moment was anger at not getting my way, there is always something more. For the record, it was an incredibly petty thing to get angry over; choosing the banner of the site. After a bit of an argument, or rather, discussion, Aria made an incredibly good point. “You do not have to do everything. You do not have to be good at everything. Try sitting with the idea of being bad at everything.”
This quote really hit home. You do not have to be good at everything. I have tried my entire life to be perfect at everything that I wanted to put my mind to. I tried to be perfect at school until I realised that I’d never be able to please my parents, so I gave up on that entirely and ended up putting most of my effort into gaming among other things. I became very competitive in things that did not actually benefit me because I gained a sense of purpose out of it. Why is this a problem though?
The problem rears it’s head when I try very hard to be good at things that I do not have natural talent for. For example, I did a level of maths that I was straight up not good enough for at school. I ended up spending most of my time trying to understand high level maths when my brain is just not suited for it. It ended up being a detriment to my finals in school, as I shifted study time and mental energy away from other subjects to try to keep up with maths.
Another couple of examples are backend for websites and emotional support. Website backend is incredibly frustrating to me. I encounter problem after problem, only getting through them with sheer willpower. Emotional support is something that I feel woefully inept at. However I insist on trying my hand at it. Why? I have a veil over my eyes telling me that I am good at everything. This makes Aria see me as a blundering brute as I smash through barrier after barrier with pure willpower and brute force instead of analysing the problem and merely walking around these barriers with finesse.
Because I am forcing myself to do things I am not naturally gifted at, I am solving problems through brute force. From an outsider perspective this makes me untrustworthy. This is not the first time I have experienced this. I have been convinced from childhood that people will not listen to my ideas. As such, I do not want to listen to theirs. Because I do not listen to other people’s ideas, they will not listen to mine. This is a self fulfilling prophecy.
Because of this, I felt like Aria is steering the ship on her own. I felt untrusted, unneeded, useless and unimportant. This is factually untrue, but it is how I felt in the moment. Paradoxically, this makes me see Aria as both my mother who I felt controlled me, and as lesser than me at the same time. This makes me not acknowledge her value.
After sitting with all of this, and with a bit more discussion with Aria I came to some conclusions.
I don’t trust myself – Here’s how to fix it:
- Realise that Aria does not deserve to be treated how I treat her (as my mum, with resentment, not seeing her as valuable)
- Only do what I am good at. Know what I am not good at and accept it.
- Once I do this I will feel important as I will be successful doing things I am naturally gifted at
- Trust myself and stop hating myself for failing at things I was not meant to do in the first place.
Once I follow through with these things, I will then find out my value. Currently, I don’t trust myself. This makes me mad as I am projecting that onto others which in turn makes them not trust me. I will feel useful only when I fix this mentality in myself. Other people cannot fill that void.