I’ve been stressing about the success of the Homecave project ever since we started it.
Most of the blog posts I have written were from revelations that I had before we launched the server. As of late, I have written far less often as my mind has been consumed by Homecave succeeding. I have a strong feeling that I have lost my sense of self as I have poured everything I am into the server. Let me explain the process in realising this:
Yesterday was Aria’s mother’s birthday. She called us over at around 3 pm and said “come to your grandma’s house!” expecting us over in about 5 minutes. This was not really an issue at the time, but it’s a fun piece of context. If it were not her birthday, we would have enforced our boundaries with an unequivocal “No”. However, being her special day, we accepted.
The real problem for me was a conversation Aria, her mother and her grandmother were having. Her mother said jokingly to her grandmother “You’re so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter,” to which Aria also responded jokingly to her mother “You’re also lucky to have a wonderful daughter. Tell her, Kelham! Tell her how amazing of a daughter she has.” This triggered me. I was told to give a compliment on the spot. Now I love Aria, she is an amazing person, but right then, I had nothing to say. I resented Aria right at that moment.
I came to the conclusion that I refuse to give compliments as I am a cynic. My glass-half-empty mentality is what causes me to not see the positives, and thus I hate giving compliments. I do not try to find enough common ground or commonalities between other people and myself and only find enough to not be socially ostracised. It is a selfish shark pit mentality. During my childhood, my uncle would play practical jokes on me. I would hate to be made a fool of, so I became very skeptical and tried to see through the veil by refusing to be vulnerable. I even held contempt for people who I saw as naive and saw myself as above them.
This, however, is not the full story.
Although I do realise I have some level of cynicism as a coping mechanism, when I thought about it today there seemed to be more to it. Today I felt pretty ‘meh’ for lack of a better word, and as such, I knew that today would be a great day for my own personal development rather than working on the Homecave SEO or the Discord, welcome page or elsewhere. I knew that forcing myself to be productive would be a fool’s errand. So I delved into my thoughts and did a quick Emotional Vipassana.
Immediately, I felt a pressure in my head and chest, as well as a visual, which appeared to be a vortex of thoughts buzzing around each other violently. I focused my attention on it, and both it and the sensation in my head seemed to disappear within a few minutes. The sensation is still present in my chest as of writing which I will focus on after I am done, however I stopped preemptively as my further introspection gave me two interesting revelations that I needed to write down:
- I hate being told what to do.
- I have performance anxiety. This is covered in ‘I don’t trust myself‘
These two issues are the main reason that I hate giving compliments. However a more pressing issue came to my mind:
I am a slave to stress.
This vortex of thoughts made me realise that I am so stressed that I have been totally consumed by the success of Homecave. On an average day, I wake up at 8 am and go straight to the computer and check discord to make sure everything is okay. I then answer messages, bump the server and only then do I even stop to go to the bathroom. Aria does the same, just a little later than me.
I feel like I HAVE TO do so many things. I HAVE TO check the server, I HAVE TO make sure everyone is happy, I HAVE TO write a blog post, I have to…no. No, I don’t have to. I do what I want.
This is precisely what prevents me from being motivated. I found myself stressing about not working so much that I spent all my energy stressing about not working. Now, instead of reminding myself to work harder and harder, I remind myself to NOT work, and it is so freeing. I find myself actually feeling like working after I have allowed myself relaxation periods. I want to work! It’s amazing!