I am dealing with the self hate imposed on me in my childhood:
I have written about the various reasons that I could not commit to life. One of them was my self hate. Today I aim to go into detail on that issue.
Growing up, I did not get credit for my achievements. My mother always took them for herself. When she would talk about something she and I did together, I SPECIFICALLY note that every time she talks about it, she says “I did this,” instead of “We did this.” This is a form of gaslighting. I know we both did it, but she denies my involvement completely to boost her own status. Gaslighting denotes someone manipulating someone else to question their reality, eventually making them go insane. This essentially gave me no reason to try, as I would not get recognition for it anyway.
Another reason for me deciding to give up is that I was not the director of my ship. “People will carry a heavy load if they get to pick the goddamn load.” – Jordan Peterson. I was not allowed the responsibility to choose my direction in life early on, and by the time I was allowed the choice it was too late – I was already too apathetic to know for myself what I wanted.
“This is exactly why young men get addicted to video games. Video games simulate responsibility by giving you a goal and making you, the player, solely responsible for realizing that goal. Video games are about heroism and success, which young men absolutely crave and can’t find in their real lives.” This is exactly why I flitted from one addiction to another, to find some semblance of purpose in life, to find social acceptance.
We live in a society where men are demonised for just being men, where men are taught that us having emotions is not a good thing and where male sexuality is either looked down upon or treated with heavy bravado. My family fell into the former category. This caused an inner twin representing my masculinity to become corrupted, turning it into a demon. Instead of finding ways to distract myself from it, I put my full attention on it and showed love to it, in a process called Emotional Vipassana.
When I first began, he was a world ending demon chained up by the wrists and locked away by another tormentor twin who thought he was protecting the world from it. Against the jailer’s wishes, I set him free. The demon initially went on a rampage, destroyed the world and several cities out of anger, but then he inevitably calmed down. Over a long process, I showed love to him, and he eventually transformed back into his healthy masculine self.
What came out was not anger, not abuse, not recklessness, not dominance, not indifference, not hostility…
Independence. Power. Self assuredness. Courage. Responsibility. Action. These are the traits he had.
Today’s society makes Men afraid to be men.
What is the purpose of life? For me at least, the answer lies in the question. Purpose IS the meaning of life. Without goals, responsibility and purpose, we lack any reason to continue living. We may have the most comfortable lives in the world, but by just being comfortable, we are not really living.
Men are not taking responsibility due to the vicious cycle where women are becoming increasingly masculine to fill the void left by the pacification of men. Women are wondering why their partners are feeling like another child to take care of. This is the reason. Not only are men taught that we are monsters, but we also have no role in society. We are useless.
My whole life I have been taught an image of what men are, what they aren’t meant to become, and I never figured out who I really am. I have spoken about the who am I question in an earlier post.
Once I know who I am, I will know what my purpose in life is, and I will then be able to take my life in my own hands, be able to steer the ship in the direction I desire. I will take RESPONSIBILITY for my own life. I will be able to take an active role in my own life. The Emotional Vipassana I did to unlock my masculinity was one step forward.