In I’ve been a slave to stress I realised that I was spinning my wheels in place as I was stressed out of my mind. Only recently did I discover the true importance of rest.
I did not solve my stress problem. Last time you heard from me, I realised that I needed to focus on doing what I felt like doing instead of “have to’s“, but the problem is I did not actually put that plan into motion. For the last couple of weeks, I HAVE been attempting to do what I feel like, but my underlying stress made it basically impossible. Yesterday I decided to take more of a backseat role in Homecave instead of gripping it, and in the process choking the life force out of both it, myself and Aria. Here’s the story:
Two days ago now, Aria and I had the idea to filter the people coming into the Homecave Discord with a very simple yes or no question via the react system. If the answer was no, the idea was to send a DM to the person. However, I tried and I tried and could not find a bot that would do this with a reaction, only Dyno which does it via text. At about midday, I said “Why dont we make the reaction give you a role which opens up a channel, and closes up all other channels?” Aria did not like this initially, so I continued my search.
About 4 hours later, Aria suggested the exact same thing I did. She said “I have an idea, why don’t we make it select a role…”
I flipped my shit.
Why? It seems ridiculous, right? Well, to answer that, it is a bit ridiculous. I did not even give her the chance to say her full idea, even if it was loosely based off of mine.
The answer? Gaslighting.
Gaslighting refers to sowing seeds of doubt in someone’s mind. It makes them question their own sense of reality and personal truth. It refers to trying to convince someone that what they feel they have no reason to feel, what they see, they didn’t see, and what they hear, they didn’t hear. The problem is, most people don’t even know that they’re doing it.
In basic terms, you tell someone they are something that they know they’re not. Do this repeatedly and you can make someone go insane from doubting their own reality.
In the case of Aria, she wasn’t even at fault. I FELT gaslit, because I have been gaslit so many times in my life that I assume she is about to do it, when in reality I didn’t even listen to her full sentence. I made the prophecy self-fulfilling. That ended day 1 of my realisation process.
Yesterday, I woke up somewhat irritable and shitty because of the day prior. I did not feel like being very productive at all and felt pretty lethargic. For that reason, I decided to take a walk outside to the local park and sit with myself. I ended up chilling with my own thoughts and meditating for about 1.5 hours.
If I’m to be honest I did not come up with any amazing insight. When I sat with my anger I felt that Aria gaslighting me stemmed from where my mother would gaslight me by taking my achievements as her own. I already knew this as I’ve already spoken about. However, I did get something from this experience. It felt amazing to pay attention to myself after so long ignoring myself in lieu of others, and I came back feeling great.
After I came back from the park, I spoke to Aria for a bit on how I felt amazing having paid attention to myself and having some space from her. She said that she also felt really good and that it was very freeing for me to leave. Whilst this was brutal, I agreed. My stress was making her feel down, and conversely her feeling down made me stressed out. I have also been frustrated at myself for my lack of personal development progress. Why am I still stressed out when I looked into it 2 weeks ago!?
My engine is sitting on the redline but I’m sitting in Neutral. Every day, I feel like I get nowhere as I spend more energy stressing about this thing or that, or putting way too much energy into the wrong thing. For example, I am trying way too hard to make sure the chat is active at all times, instead of putting effort into more important things like making new content or doing SEO or anything of the like. More importantly still, I’m not doing what I feel like.
The Importance of rest
I woke up this morning with the goal of relaxation. I decided that enough was enough and that I needed to stop pushing myself so hard. At the beginning of the Homecave project I had almost limitless energy, could put 16 hours into the project daily without a sweat. Now? I’m running on fumes. Have been for close to a month. I lay on the bed and just did nothing, and came to a realisation. I am not putting enough importance on REST. I’ll be more productive for it, and healthier too.