I don’t know the answer to the question “who am I?”
I realise that my reason for not committing to life is a bigger problem than I first imagined. As written on my previous post, the first reason I came across for not committing to life was my self-hate, and then later on the same day I realised that the second reason for me not committing to life was my fear; in which I did not commit because I was protecting myself from getting burnt.
The last two days, I have found myself still procrastinating. Stress has been a factor, as Aria has said that she wants to open the server up to more people, and I feel like I am running around like a headless chicken before an assignment is due and I have not had enough time to edit my presentation. I realise now that again that my reaction to the stress is a symptom. I was worried that something catastrophically wrong would be with the settings of the server.
It took me until the end of the day to finally stop procrastinating. Near the end of the day, Aria asked me to pay attention to her instead of procrastinating, and I got frustrated at her. I just wanted to look up YouTube guides, I did not want to pay attention to her…or myself. I was mad because it felt to me that she asked me to sacrifice myself to pay attention to her. She said that I am in essence projecting as I am not paying attention to my own feelings.
This helped me realise today that I do not care about myself enough. Why?
I feel like I am unworthy of my own attention.
Sure, I think about how I made an omelet this morning, or I think about how I had a fun conversation with some guys in another discord server, but I don’t actually think about ME. The whole of my life, I don’t think I have ever actually sat down and asked myself the question “Who am I?”
So. Who am I?
Good question, I’m still figuring it out. However I have come to a bit of a conclusion. I am a man who has a lot to give to humanity. That’s all there is to it. I intend to ask myself this question in the future, and ask it often. I feel that asking the question is affirming that I am worthy of attention, that I am somebody I can be proud of, and that I have a PURPOSE.
If I know who I am, I can find purpose in life! If I know who I am, I can fix my procrastination problem! If I know who I am, I can work hard for a goal that I set! So again, who am I?